Time to write about some more personal matters. Recently, I questioned myself about this –about being so vulnerable- especially after being treated in a less than fair/desirable way because of something written on here…or rather a misinterpretation of something written here. However, I am willing to risk being misunderstood in order to be honest and even transparent…women do not talk openly enough about some things in my opinion. I wish we’d stop pretending we have it all figured out. Most women I know worry about their bodies, wonder what to do about hair on their heads and elsewhere, grapple with birth control decisions or the decision not to use any (as in the case of religious tennets –is that the right word?), most women are shocked into motherhood, even if the shock is sometimes mostly pleasant…most of us were not prepared for birthing no matter the form it took…most of us have ups and downs with our partners, most of us struggle with mental health issues at some point in our lives. I just choose to discuss it. I hope it helps me process and others self-reflect and maybe heal.
This past week I had an experience that was embarrassing and profound and showed me 1). The universe really does have a sense of humour, and so can I 2). I have been so in mama-mode and so sleep deprived that I let something slip and nearly endangered my health because of it. I also got more than one person a bit worked up with me ;P
Somewhat separately, I also took a pregnancy test. It was negative. Again. And I would have been ok with being pregnant, it would be the reality and I would embrace it, part of me very much looks forward to the chance for a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) And partly, I was sad/disappointed…even though it wouldn’t have been planned. I want to want to be in baby-mode again. I want to feel that sacred belonging I felt this last year and while pregnant with the other mamas I know…and now they are moving on in droves, most of them having more babies. I have found out so very many women in my circles are pregnant lately. And it’s been hard for me. Feeling left out of the excited giggles and jokes about gender and names. I find it hard to even participate second-hand despite my joy for them. It’s hard to forget that my hopes were utterly dashed and how difficult and uncomfortable and stressful pregnancy was. Everyone thought I’d have my home waterbirth and then I had a c-section, despite everything (acupuncture, reflexology, yoga, spinning babies, hypnobabies, a doula, midwives, knowledge of all the interventions, a healthy albeit tiring pregnancy, a baby supposedly in a good position until she turned in labour, and even a brief history as a doula myself….)
And Sapphire….she is as charismatic as she is a handful. It is just beginning to even out now in toddlerhood. If you haven’t had a high-needs baby, well, I could offer so many anecdotes but you will only have a vague idea until you are there and doing all you did with your first or second babe and more and baby still screams, won’t be put down, wakes if you breathe differently, and on and on. Finally the reflux is settling and we’re off the meds! I love watching her explore, run, play dress-up. I cannot fathom having a newborn in nine months. Not even an easy-going one. The thought makes me shake in my boots. I can’t imagine being as sick as I was last time while running after the exuberant little quail…I’m just not ready. None of us are. And I can’t face the possibility of another c-section yet. My body is just beginning to feel “normal” (a new normal, but still) again. I have dreams of belly-dancing and watercolour classes and starting my own waldorf/nature preschool. I have dreams of Sapphire being in school…even though I always thought I’d homeschool her. So…no more babies right now. I may change my mind, but the plan as of right now is to wait at least four years. And really, I’ll only be 28-29 then, still lots of baby-having time! Unlike my dear husband and most of my friends, I have been free in the world for nearly ten years with little formal schooling in that time. I’m so ready to focus on that!
And that’s all for now, just hoping that will quench the baby-hungry questions thrown my way.