At the lake

The photos speak for themselves. Haley caught a northern pike, a rare but invasive species introduced into the lake of mostly perch and bass. We will eat it and turn it into fish stock 🙂

My days

My days are so full and blur one into the other. Children climb on me. A LOT. I nurse one child, I nurse the other child. I push one in a swing, I sway the other to sleep. I pry one’s hands off the other, I grab one before they fall and hit their head. I feed one a bite, I feed the other a bite; sometimes I get to eat too, usually while one or both are whining or crying. I lay very still and quiet while they smile and coo at each other and wrestle around the bed, jumping in only if I need to prevent injury. I watch as they greet each other every morning, after every nap and absence with utter joy. And I think maybe I am doing something right even in my exhaustion. When I get up with the baby or toddler for the fifth time before midnight ( which I do, every. Single. Night.) I remember how their faces look when they see me and each other in the morning and I think it’s still worth it

I think they have a pact not to sleep at the same time :p a minute after this was taken Noah awoke. He has been sleeping a maximum of twenty minutes at a time during the day… Leaving me with a whining,screaming exhausted baby the rest of the day. It’s hard to believe because he is do well distracted by visitors but my baby is unwell and miserable. The aloe Vera, slippery elm, and probiotic mix just aren’t doing it for him. I have a few other things to try before I resort to drugs… Which may not even work anyway.
I feel so totally lost and exhausted, praying every day for a way to make it through, that my baby will just sleep.
I must tend to him now the screaming continues.
Not that I know how to help, but I will try.
Laura

Exceptions to the rule

Not so long ago I had rules in my mind about how to be a mother. I refined them as I went, but mostly I was afraid to break a rule and somehow jeopardize something crucial. So lately with two intense, lovable, spirited babes, I’ve been learning what *is* crucial? Isn’t that a gift? A lot of people teeter on the edge of that for their whole lives, not wanting to face some of the fears within themselves. Life has pushed me up against the truth so hard I am bruised and breathless…but I recover and I’m here. What is crucial for a quality life? Food. Real food. Alive food. Unprocessed food. This will still mean different things to different people, but I can say that the developed world is overrun with non-food of which we still consume too much (frozen pizza emergency meals 3 times a week anyone?). Shelter. Clothing/warmth. Love. Hopefully that encompasses a healthy environment (the earth and the emotional environment)

Here’s the thing, like many overly educated women, I read a lot. I read studies and threads on mothering.com and various Waldorf, allergen free family, healthy lifestyle type email groups. I am inundated with a lot of information which groups tend to distort according to their own life experiences and biases and turn into the gospel. The rules. You know exactly what I mean. Every group has their own and will eagerly shun and criticize people who either fall outside the norm their rules can deal with, or who ask too many questions. Sometimes it gets very confusing for a young mother, low on sleep, desperately trying to find the best for her child. Sifting and fighting her way through the miasma of words and statistics and anecdotal evidence. Some people just like the sound of certain philosophies and latch onto them eagerly, only to find life eventually pushes them up against a limitation. That is life, afterall. Nothing is black and white. There is VALID information that contradicts other VALID information. It IS mind boggling. The sooner we accept that, the easier our lives and relationships will be. I honestly think people do the best they can with what they have. So I am learning to stop judging, to throw out the rules. My life has just proven rules are meant for breaking.

Both Noah and Sapphire have led me to this truth. It has been very hard, as I was a born poet and idealist. Ideals are important, they keep us striving, but we have to accept we will not ever get *there*. We are always *here* and that’s that. Sometimes drugs are best for a mother or baby, and only that mama can decide that and you CANNOT know what is right for her. Sometimes vegetarianism is healing, sometimes local food, sometimes high quality animal fats. I have experienced all of these and more.

So I decided to give my baby solids at five months. Not just any solids, but very animal based high quality fats…egg yolks, bone broth, small amounts of organic butter and yogurt, steamed carrots with butter, mashed sardines. He is devouring everything. He is still nursing as much. His reflux has calmed considerably, except when I try to make him vegetarian for a day. What I am reading about his particular needs with GERD is matching up with what he seems to want. For some babies this may not be best (but please if you are suffering health problems check out the Weston A. Price foundation website and read nutrition and physical degeneration and look at the amazing photos. See if it resonates). This is just one of so so many decisions I have made that have put me outside the acceptable boundaries of a clique of people. So be it. Health is crucial as far as Im concerned, and I have seen results with sapphire with this type of diet for her GERD and cavities. Many people with similar health issues as my family have thrived on these recommendations. At some future point what we need may change. I have broken every rule by now, I am committed to following my instincts and my children.

Let’s stand together in our differences. That makes life rich.

Time

 

 

I have no available time; but I make time. Time at the beach, time together, time for play and exploration. And it is so hard sometimes, and so worthwhile. I have to keep reminding myself that the people my children will become is starting NOW – especially now. As many of you know, sometimes with little ones you feel like collapsing in a heap.

I find myself thinking of others who have gone before me –people with double or triple the amount of children, children with major medical problems (although GERD can certainly affect your life!), concentration camp survivors…

Sometimes the best you can do is to choose to pay attention instead of escaping…but sometimes you need to carve out that small escape to decompress and process all that is filling your life. Sometimes life needs a little pruning, less chaos, more simplicity. How do you do that? I’m going to find out or die trying.

Most of all I am praying for patience as I try to gracefully get through this time pulling in as much good food, hugs and kisses, and smiles as I can. This thing called motherhood (fatherhood)? It’s hard. Like Pull your hair out while two babies scream in dissonance in the car for twenty minutes hard. Like you feel yourself twitching when the baby wakes up for the 15^th time…or cannot be put down, or on your back or anywhere that would facilitate you using your hands to make lunch. Its just hard. But if you accept it, get help, eat well and breathe deeply, just maybe you’ll make it through.

I have to hold myself back from whinging too much, a blog is cathartic in some ways but I’d rather uplift others. So look at the pictures and smile. Capture some beauty in your life amidst chaos and strife.

~Laura

I haven’t blogged in a long long time. Life with two children is more full and challenging than I ever imagined…especially with both kids on the edge of new stages. Sapphire is potty training and learning to dress and undress as well as helping with dinner preparation. Noah is starting to taste foods and play games like kicking balls to his sister and creeping backwards and in circles. I can’t believe how fast it goes the second time around but I am also relieved.., these next stages are what I’m looking forward to most- some independence on their part so I can start cooking again (something besides frozen pizza) and maybe having some time to myself….haha

They are growing up so fast! From climbing the “big kid” ladder solo, to saying “I luff brudder” and drawing new kinds of squiggles; I’m flabbergasted everyday. Not to mention she can count to twelve and sing songs like ‘rockabye baby’ in their totality. Noah is also learning to laugh, roll over, and blow bubbles… His teeth are on their way with his constant chewing. It’s amazing how much faster it all goes the second time around.

We’ve moved into a sweet cottage on an organic vineyard (where Haley also works) and we’re making it home for the next few months. Slowly but surely, I’m taking baby steps toward handling a two year old and a three month old with a touch if grace and a sense of humor. Other than that there is no real crafting going on; just focusing on my Waldorf foundations course and the beginnings of launching a new quarterly ‘zine called Renegade Mom. More on that soon, and happy sunshine (finally!)

The Kids

The last months have been such a huge adjustment for us. I am finding my rhythm slowly, letting go of many expectations –especially of myself- and learning new depths of patience, love and surrender. It hasn’t been a totally graceful road, but I have learned so much already.

Two craft projects from First Art for Toddlers and Twos… love that book!

We’ve been having new adventures…just getting a two year old and two month old out the door in winter weather is quite a challenge! I’ve been really finding new depths of gratitude in my life –for my own mother especially, my sisters, my grandmother, husband, my father (aka “poppy”) and myself.

I’m now a big advocate of leashes for little ones…this little two thinks nothing of running into traffic, or large bodies of water, and I sometimes not fast enough while pregnant or with baby strapped to me in an ergo. I applaud those of you who can afford to be morally against them…you must have extra-long arms, mellow kids, very skillful parenting, or only one child, or more widely spaced children. Good on you, but this works for us and Sapphire actually loves her *puppy pack-pack*, thanks Cheryl and David J

This sweet guy has had a bit of a rough go. Between *colic*, reflux, and an episode of apnea where he stopped breathing and his whole face turned blue (followed by an overnight hospital stay that had no conclusive tests pointing to the cause), it’s been a bit intense for us. Despite this, he is full of smiles, gurgles and coos. At 7 weeks old, he was 13 lbs J And he sleeps very well at night with rare exceptions.

 

Her imagination is really taking off…this is her “car”

 

She is becoming so much more able each day to communicate what she wants and feels, including “NO!”

 

I have so much more to share but a baby is drooling all over my other hand.

More soon,

Laura

Two

I had grand ideas of what I’d write today but two sick babies and some time overnight in the hospital this weekend has me exhausted but grateful. I hope to return to this space soon.

Peace,

Laura

Birth story part 3

Nkjj

Breastfeeding with the shield, like a flexible silicone hollow nipple that fits over the mother’s own nipple with small holes for milk to come through.

The breastfeeding attempts continued, often with a new person with completely different opinions and information. One of the next attempted feedings my nurse brought me the top of a bottle because my daughter could not latch on. I felt dubious, but what did I know? Of course it didn’t work, and I was left feeling incredibly discouraged. My midwife suggested I immediately begin taking Fenugreek capsules and blessed thistle (increase milk production) and pumping every 2 hours to draw out my nipples and get whatever colostrum I could for Sapphire one way or another. By the end of the day a nurse who was also a lactation consultant had produced a nipple shield as I could not get Sapphire latched on in any other way. She nursed and the LC said she was sure she saw colostrum in the shield. I breathed a slight sigh of relief; at least my body was doing something right.

A few hours later, she had been hooked up to an iv for antibiotics and her hand was encased in a horrible plastic thing that she kept whacking herself in the head with. My instincts still said my baby was fine, but I was too tired and confused to argue. Because she was now considered “high risk” she was weighed even more than usual in the hospital and, of course, she was nearing that magic 10% mark for weight loss since birth. Nevermind that in a homebirth if she looked well she wouldn’t have been weighed for a few days anyway, nevermidn that she had no actual signs of infection, nevermind that IV fluids in the mother during labour are strongly linked to a higher initial weight loss…. No, my baby was “starving” and needed formula.

Haley cup feeding our little angel

I was utterly confused and distraught. It was evening, my first full day with my baby, and I had already been told 15 different things about her health and wellbeing. We stalled the nurse who was very hostile, and we suppose concerned. I did not want my baby to have formula. We called our midwife, I could tell without anything being said that she was now in a sticky situation…what she believed against hospital policies. She told me to relax as fully as possible, hold Sapphire and pump and hope I could get some colostrum to feed her. Nothing came out. I still feel she had nursed alright earlier, but as much as I tried to relax my body was extremely tense. In the end we were defeated, I was not really given a choice, if I chose to wait I’d be starving my child and *they* would not allow it. Because she had neared some magical percentage point it seemed they could feed her themselves. We opted to cup and finger feed her the formula. It took forever, much was thrown up, and I felt deep in my heart that I had failed. Every two hours or so my husband was up doing it again, I could still barely move from my bed. Everything I had wanted for my daughter, the gentle entry, skin to skin, delayed cord clamping, breastfeeding…it was all gone and I had nothing to give as a mother with stitches in her middle who could barely get up to pee let alone lift her own baby.

My doula and friends rallied together. Milk was pumped and brought in, and a friend who had a 2 month old came and nursed Sapphire several times the next day. The nurses were all very suspicious of this. After the first gift of real mama milk, she slept more soundly than she had since birth. She threw none of it up. I began to get more colostrum as I pumped, and we mixed it with the other milk and sometimes formula. Every feeding was recorded, every “cc” of formula or milk, whether she nursed at the breast or cup fed. Because of her weight loss this was kept up for at least a week and was utterly exhausting.

My placenta was broken out from pathology even though no one had told me whether it harbored infection or not, and prepared with love into placenta pills.

Food also began to filter in. Friends dropped off meals, roasted nuts, lasagna, salads, homemade cookies, waffles. I barely had to eat any hospital food and Haley was also well nourished. I was also suddenly starving and by sometime on the third day I felt wet and looked down to find my breasts leaking the long-sought liquid gold. It was still very difficult for Sapphire to nurse – more so now because she was flooded when she tried. I was emotional and crying at everything which I guess often happens when the milk first flows. Once again we made the decision to have me pump for the evening and feed her manually because I was so exhausted and stressed trying to get her to latch on.

The spinal tap had found that the first blood test on Sapphire was contaminated and she was not sick at all. The antibiotics were still continued for a while. And I was badgered continually to bathe Sapphire. No. she smelled in a way that made me feel peaceful, and she was clean and lovely. We coated her skin (dry in places supposedly from being overdue) in olive oil and ignored the nurses. Even after the spinal tap disproved the infection one nurse burst out “Your baby has been found to have an infection! You MUST bathe her! How irresponsible! It could have come from her skin!” I looked her in the eye and said “My baby is NOT infected and we will bather her when we’re ready.” She huffed away.

With that first flow of milk came the first bonding and love surges I really felt for my baby. This is why, despite our continued difficulties, I would not give up breastfeeding (though almost!). It was the only thing that gave me a small sense of those hormones I should have received at her birth that indelibly bonded me to her.

home

Eventually we were released from the hospital… the pediatrician seemed wary despite the newest test saying she was fine. He asked if we lived close by before he would agree to discharge us. We left with that shred of doom and uncertainty hanging over us. I was not to climb stairs or lift anything heavier than the baby for 6 weeks.

Our home had been cleaned by friends, the birth pool dismantled and drained, the fridge emptied of gross food, towels thrown in the laundry. You know who you are, and despite this being such an incredibly dark time, the cleaning the meals, the milk…were the most generous and truly supportive of my life.

We settled in, that first night I could not sleep a wink having Sapphire so close to me for the first time, every little grunt and gurgle startled me. Haley could not even be woken up after having done most of the care and feeding since her birth. Not even hitting, shaking or yelling roused him. In the early morning, I felt like a crazy caged beast and put my baby down in a car seat and called my midwife. I didn’t sleep, I felt insane, and Haley would not wake up. We made a plan, such a wonderful thing, first, I was to take a shower while baby slept and just let the tension wash away, then if Haley was still out cold, I would snuggle the baby in the rocker and just relax and doze, not even try to sleep, and if I had any problems I was to call back and make a new plan.

The story is very long, folks. I had to take more breaks from nursing because of the combination of pain from my nipples being drawn out, and the bad latch and friction from the shield. My daughter screamed like a terror each time we tried the bottle with pumped milk, and I thought many times of running away, getting away from the horrible sound and that they would be better off without me. Funny enough, my commitment to making milk for this child and not having her on formula kept me with her. We had baths together, we began the bouncing on the yoga ball to soothe her to sleep (a year later this still continued). She was a colicky baby who cried a lot, would not be put down alone, ever more. Perhaps her experience in early life caused this, I feel in my heart it was a contributing factor. I was later diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for the flashbacks and nightmares I was having of her birth; I don’t doubt that she was similarly affected yet without the adult capacity to make sense of why she was ripped from my body, poked and prodded, given disgusting things to eat, and why mommy seemed so distant and panicked. By the end of the first week I was given a very limited prescription for Ativan because I was not sleeping. When the Ativan was done I moved on to melatonin, it took a very long time for me to no longer feel like and animal being hunted, or to be sure that my baby was about to die.

By the 5^th week between visits from my mother in law and a visit from my own mother, I had developed the first of the 7 bouts of mastitis to come. My bleeding had almost petered out at 4.5 weeks but came back full force and very red at the same time. My fever spiked and my breast was red, engorged, hot and painful. I took antibiotics again. I have such strong suspicion that the reflux sapphire suffered was strongly linked to the two exposures to antibiotics in her early life. If you are prone to breast infections, please, please look into homeopathics (Phytolacca is excellent) –if taken at the first sign, they often prevent a full blown problem.

After the antibiotics we developed thrush. Nursing was suddenly agonizing. Gentian violet stained all my bras purple. Nothing helped until my homeopath hit on the right remedy.

Despite everything, we had moments of joy, amazement, first smiles. Sapphire gained a great deal of weight by the end of her first week and was a regular little pudgemunch by the time our 6 week appointment came along.

We got through, with many, many hiccups along the way. Homeopathy helped greatly in dealing with the trauma, along with craniosacral therapy for Sapphire, and some EMDR therapy for me for the flashbacks. It was difficult to tell my story to most people…most just wanted to brush it aside and say “oh well, you have a healthy baby.” A woman with post-traumatic stress and who is indeed still living in hell with a reflux baby who barely sleeps and seems to hate being a baby, is not ungrateful for her child’s life. But she has been through battle, she wants to be seen and heard, not brushed aside. THAT is what helps her heal and become an even more present mother. Let us learn to hold the pain of mamas in love.